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| Marcel Strigberger |
Some company in Liverpool, U.K., wanted to get around paying realty taxes for a floor in a commercial building. And so the principal placed about 15 small crates of snails on the premises hoping to take advantage of the farming tax exemption. Municipal authorities didn’t buy it, calling it blatant tax avoidance. We are talking about two snails to a crate as the principal says, this was to avoid “cannibalism, group sex and snail orgies.” Holy escargot! More about those orgies later.
Would a snail farming operation fly to save taxes here, say in a law office in downtown Toronto? Who knows? Maybe?
The lawyers would have to ensure that they check all the boxes that constitute a farm in order to fool, uh, rather satisfy the authorities. I have some ideas.
In the waiting room, instead of a tropical fish tank, have a couple of transparent crates of these snails. Maybe even load up several snails per crate. I’m sure most visitors, rather than sit there reading an old Economist or fiddling with their cellphones, would just as soon watch an orgy. Or even sooner.
Furthermore, the lawyers can sport the appropriate attire — come to work dressed in overalls. No problem. And if their office is in a high rise on Bay and King, in front of the Scotiabank concourse they can erect a colourful silo. I don’t see any zoning issues. I have never heard of the city of Toronto refusing to allow an application to set up a silo at King and Bay. And should there be a problem getting the city’s consent, (which I doubt), then the law firm can settle for a scarecrow. Very convincing. How could the tax department not agree that right there on the 42nd floor, we have a farm? And for good measure change the elevator music to constantly pipe in “Old MacDonald.” Who can attest better to there being a farm on these premises than old MacDonald? A shoo-in.
The lawyers may even decide to breed these snails not for consumption but for other purposes. After all, they are already delivering the mail.
Or maybe they could be farmed for sporting events, such as racing. I don’t know what the world record is for snails, but I imagine most of us would like to know whether a thoroughbred snail can do a four-minute inch. Awesome! At least they don’t run around like a chicken with its head cut off.
But beware. Caveat. There are downsides. Firstly, snails on the premises might suggest to clients that justice moves slowly. This could be a turn-off.
Furthermore, there could be some cross-border issues. We are all familiar with that customs form that reads something like “Have you visited a farm within the last 14 days?” An honest traveller visiting this type of law firm would have to answer in the affirmative. They may have problems where this issue arises. You can’t suck and blow — only crawl.
Then, of course, there are those orgies (as promised). Do these performances constitute moral turpitude? You don’t want one of your best clients who happens to be sitting in your office, ahem farm, caught up in a raid by the police morality squad. “Hey officer, it’s not what it looks like.”
And so can this farm gambit work to save lawyers here some taxes? I’m not sure. I think that will happen when the cows come home.
Marcel Strigberger retired from his Greater Toronto Area litigation practice and continues the more serious business of humorous author and speaker. His book, Boomers, Zoomers, and Other Oomers: A Boomer-biased Irreverent Perspective on Aging, is available on Amazon (e-book) and in paper version. His new book First, Let’s Kill the Lawyer Jokes: An Attorney’s Irreverent Serious Look at the Legal Universe, is available on Amazon, Apple and other book places. Visit www.marcelshumour.com. Follow him on X: @MarcelsHumour.
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