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| Marcel Strigberger |
In my view, he could have fought the charges as death, per se, is a nebulous concept. The prosecution would have had a tough road to prove that Kipf faked death as there are numerous expressions of this state of being, suggesting confusion in determining the same.
I recall shortly after I got married, I met an insurance broker as I was in the market for life insurance. It’s not that I expected imminently to go. It was simply just in case. I couldn’t make up my mind there and then about the merits of his wares, and I asked the man to call me back the following Tuesday. The broker responded, “What if something should happen to you meanwhile?” I didn’t catch on.
I queried, “What might happen between Thursday and next Tuesday?” Offhand, the only plan I had entailing some risk was for a haircut on Friday.
The broker replied, “You never know, something might happen.”
Since he was in the business of selling life insurance, I found it rather strange he wouldn’t just come out and simply say, “You might drop dead.” Put this way, it probably would have made me think. Even if I hadn’t grabbed his life insurance policy that Thursday, at least I would have been extra careful. I probably wouldn’t have let my barber shave my throat. No way!
In the Kipf case, there is no suggestion that something happened to him. In my view, any boilerplate death certificate obtained is not necessarily determinative of having ultimately expired.
And even if there was a suggestion on the record that he expired, as we know, credit cards expire, but chances are good that a new card will arrive in the mail. That does not sound terminal to me.
And how dead does a deceased have to be to be considered dead? I think of that scene in The Wizard of Oz where the coroner examines the Wicked Witch of the East after she has the misfortune of having a house fall on her. Nobody is sure of her state until after the coroner announces in song:
As coroner, I must aver,
I thoroughly examined her,
And she’s not only merely dead,
She’s really most sincerely dead.
This status is bolstered by the mayor of Munchkin Land and the judge who note they must verify it legally “to see if she is morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably, reliably, dead.”
I cannot say with certainty that the laws of Munchkinland are binding in the state of Kentucky. But this case is certainly of great persuasive value.
Whatever certificate Kipf registered was likely deficient and void for want of sufficient adjectives.
And we are all familiar with Monty. Python’s dead parrot sketch. That stiff parrot John Cleese returned to the pet shop claiming he had been sold a dead parrot was not necessarily departed. The shop owner, played by Michael Palin, duly noted in argument that the Norwegian Blue parrot actually still moved and that he was “pining for the fjords.” I ask, what do prosecutors and judges in Kentucky know about parrots? Their ignorance of this vital knowledge is fatal to their case.
The court convicted the accused on a legal impossibility. You cannot fake what does not exist. Maybe had the death certificate been more detailed and said something like, “Jesse Kipf, late off Somerset, Ky., kicked the bucket.” But it didn’t. Given that the court was in Kentucky, the home of the Kentucky Derby, at least the certificate could have said, “bought the farm.” Uh, Uh.
It is interesting to note that in addition to the jail sentence, the court hit the accused for $195,000 for supposed damage to computer systems as well as child support arrears. Will this sum ever be paid? I doubt it. I would say payment of this penalty is dead in the water.
Marcel Strigberger retired from his Greater Toronto Area litigation practice and continues the more serious business of humorous author and speaker. His book, Boomers, Zoomers, and Other Oomers: A Boomer-biased Irreverent Perspective on Aging, is available on Amazon (e-book) and in paper version. Visit www.marcelshumour.com. Follow him @MarcelsHumour.
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