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| Norman Douglas |
Well, there are natural laws: the law of gravity, the law of cause and effect, the law of the jungle and many more.
But I want you to guess how many human-made laws there are that we need to obey.
In Canada, there are municipal laws (bylaws), provincial laws (offences) and federal laws (crimes). Thousands of them.
There are laws “on the books” that you have never heard of. You might even have broken some, which makes you an “outlaw,” and no one but your partner would ever think of you that way.
Some of us do not agree with certain laws. Yet we must obey them nevertheless.
Some of us are ignorant of certain laws. No excuse — says the law — we must obey them too.
But as my Scottish ancestors used to say:
“Hush ye, do not fret ye …”
The subject today is not to worry about the myriad laws there are, rather we are going to consider what laws there should be-because all of us “fret” at pet peeves we believe should be “against the law.”
Here is my list:
- Celebrities should be limited to one award show per century for congratulating themselves.
- These same folks should be restricted to one “horror” movie per millennium with decapitations, disembowellings, puking blood, etc. (I’ve only seen previews, so I can only guess what else these talented actors can do) — and that movie should have a disclaimer at the beginning warning “viewer discretion advised” (that ought to cover it).
- Only butchers should be allowed to carry knives in sheaths on their belts when they are out at a bar, and only the police should be allowed to carry handguns in Tim Hortons or in any shopping mall or playground after dark.
- All children under 18 should be equipped with an emergency button. Thus, they would have no need for cellphones.
- The prime minister should be limited to three useless trips per five-year term, accompanied by one security agent. How do you determine which trips are “useless”? You don’t have to; they all are. What about the 50 staff that he needs? No, he doesn’t. Why one security person? Just in case an assassin mistakes them for someone else?
- A political party not receiving more than 50 per cent of the popular vote loses the election. In a three-party system, then, up until the next election at least, they would all be losers. Oh, maybe we already have that part covered.
- Every professional athlete should have the same fixed salary of $100 per game, and the season would be three months. That way, they could get a real job for the other nine months of the year, and we could get on with our lives.
- All gambling sponsors and advertisements should be allowed one TV time slot — from 3 a.m. to 3:01 a.m.
- Lottery tickets should be limited to a penny per ticket with a grand prize of $5.
- Genuine charities that now rely on lotteries would be compensated by a law that requires all CEOs to donate their bonuses to them.
- Compulsory subjects in elementary school:
- Kids should be taught the value of a dollar, and that earning one is far healthier and more rewarding than winning one or being given one as a handout.
- Kids should be taught skills, not the politics of their teachers.
- If we are going to allow our schools to teach values at all, then: inclusion and tolerance — which everyone should embrace (including the strident folks who holler for them) — should not be at the top of the list. How about love of country, family, respect for authority, kindness, forgiveness, humility, perseverance, reliability, the Golden Rule?
- Being outside and active (even in the winter) beats being inside with your face in a screen all day.
- Kids should be taught the value of a dollar, and that earning one is far healthier and more rewarding than winning one or being given one as a handout.
- Tax exemption for all folks who actually work for a living — we learned who many of them are from the COVID-19 pandemic (nurses, first responders, delivery drivers, farmers, tradespeople, hospital staff, lawyers, [just kidding], etc.). How does the government afford to exempt them? Increase the taxes on the quarterly earnings of banks, insurance companies, grocery store executives, and professional sports “heroes” making billions of dollars from hitting, smashing, dunking, kicking, throwing, catching … a ball. (As a die-hard Canadian — I think pucks should not be included.)
- Judges should be required, in all but exceptional cases, to order drivers impaired by alcohol or other non-prescribed drugs to attend the funeral of a child killed by one. Then their licences to drive should be revoked. Period.
- While on the subject of judges, how about all wife-beaters (old-fashioned term, but regrettably, still rampant) being sentenced to a jail where there are two people in a cell, the wife-beater must share his with an outlaw biker, preferably one with two sisters, three daughters and a loving mom.
- Every soccer player who drops to the ground clutching his leg should immediately be sent to the hospital and held for observation overnight, just to be sure that his leg isn’t really broken. And he should pay for the ambulance out of his own pocket.
I am just getting started, but I have reached my word limit for one column. Why don’t you make up your own list, and we can market a new board game called “There oughta be a law”? Please don’t send hate mail to Law360 Canada, I know not everyone will agree with my list — but remember the value I haven’t mentioned yet: free speech — reasonable people can reasonably disagree, which is something else our kids should learn from us.
Norman Douglas is a retired criminal court judge with 27.5 years of experience on the bench. His book, You Be the Judge, was published in December 2023.
The opinions expressed are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the author’s firm, its clients, Law360 Canada, LexisNexis Canada or any of its or their respective affiliates. This article is for general information purposes and is not intended to be and should not be taken as legal advice.
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