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| Marcel Strigberger |
Interested in a free car wash? You might be able to get one if you’re willing to travel to Genesee County Michigan. And maybe not yet.
A judge, one Jeffrey Clothier, opted to deal with Walmart shoplifters in a unique manner. He ordered over 100 pilferers to do community service by performing free car washes in the springtime. I suppose the humiliation of these “Walmart car washes,” as they became known, would act as a general deterrent. Sort of like the Scarlet Letter. I don’t know whether he also ordered the thieves to paint a red “T” on their foreheads. Even more humiliating would be a red “WC.” In any event, the senior Judge William Crawford II stopped these sentences, citing the reasons that he was not consulted in advance by Justice Clothier about the appropriateness of this type of sentence which “deviates from the usual and accepted methods.” I disagree with Judge Crawford II. After all, it’s not as if the shoplifters were going to be shipped to Australia.
I understand that a couple of dozen other judges in the state liked the car wash route. Had Judge Crawford II not interfered maybe car wash orders would have been extended to shoplifters at other retailers, such as Costco. And given Costco’s policies of selling large or multiple units of items, judges might have ordered the rogues to wash car fleets. Or maybe larger vehicles. “This week’s special at Costco: have a dirty cement truck?”
As well, Costco is well known for its generous satisfaction guaranteed and easy return policies. I’m not sure how this would kick in. It’s not as if you don’t like the car wash, you will return the dirt.
Clothier J said he would come up with some other creative ways to deal with the problem.
I have some ideas for community service. If they get convicted for stealing from Walmart, say, why not order them to do something to give back to the victim. Make them spend a few hours being Walmart greeters. Or have them direct customers to the appropriate pay terminals. “You may go to the open cash register lines one to five. Or self-checkout machines. I’m here today because I self-checked out by bypassing those machines.”
Another possibility of great benefit to the community would be to place the convicts at call centres. We are all sick and tired of calling a bank, insurance company or utility and having to listen to a recording pleading that “we are receiving more calls than usual,” and told to stay on the line to maintain your place in priority, while you get assaulted by that agonizing perpetual running repetitive music. Solution? Order the crooks to answer the phone lines, thereby shortening the wait times until you get a live person on the phone. Scarlet letter optional. Instead, make them pay for their crimes by shaming them in a way they will not do it again. “Good afternoon. Thanx for calling. I’m James Beamish, the shoplifter. How can I help you today?”
Justice Clothier incidentally has been on the bench only since January. He certainly brings innovative ideas to the courtroom. I suppose he will be thinking of solutions, outside the box, or rather, outside the box store.
Marcel Strigberger retired from his Greater Toronto Area litigation practice and continues the more serious business of humorous author and speaker. His book, Boomers, Zoomers, and Other Oomers: A Boomer-biased Irreverent Perspective on Aging, is available on Amazon (e-book) and in paper version. His new(!) book First, Let’s Kill the Lawyer Jokes: An Attorney’s Irreverent Serious Look at the Legal Universe, is available on Amazon, Apple and other book places. Visit www.marcelshumour.com. Follow him on X: @MarcelsHumour.
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